


Fifty Ways To Lose The Plot

by ProfessorFlimflam



Series: Lovers Lane [2]
Category: Holby City
Genre: Allotments, F/F, M/M, Mashed Potato Ficathon, Potato faced men, Twat Factor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 04:47:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessorFlimflam/pseuds/ProfessorFlimflam
Summary: You remember Robbie the Bobby down at the Lovers Lane allotments? Serena’s neighbour, who had a gadget for every job, but rarely the right one? Well, Jason’s Gardener’s Log has just come into my possession, and there are some further... incidents to tell you about. It’s a chance to hear Jason’s side of the story you first read in Harvest Home, too.You know what else is back? The Twat Factor - and we’re searching for Robbie’s elusive perfect score, or MaxTwatFac. Will he achieve it? What do you think?!





	Fifty Ways To Lose The Plot

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to the many people who suggested ways for Robbie to earn his perfect 30. I’ve incorporated as many as I could! You horrible geniuses, you!

**Selected extracts from the gardening diary of Jason Haynes.**

Jason has kept meticulous records of rainfall, hours of sunlight, temperature, ph levels and planting details relating to the allotment he shares with Serena, Celia and her mother, Tanni. As you can imagine, his notes are thorough and detailed, and would put the most diligent archivist at the Royal Horticultural Society to shame, but here are presented his observations on the gardening endeavours of their allotment neighbour, Robbie Medcalf, as well as some recollections which readers of Harvest Home may find of interest.

**Lovers Lane Allotments, Plot 17**

_Gardener’s log_

January 18th

Auntie Serena has agreed to try keeping an allotment for a year. I have asked Celia and her mum Tanni to help as I am not convinced that Auntie Serena will be very good at going. I have made a schedule for her, but she seems worried that I haven’t included enough time for her to drink wine.

 

January 23rd

We went to see the allotment together, this morning, all four of us. Auntie Serena is a bit worried about how much work there is to do, and she said at first that we couldn’t take it on, but Tanni just started digging and weeding and I think Auntie Serena is a bit happier about it now.

We met the man who has the plot behind ours, Robbie Medcalf. Auntie Serena was cross with him because he called me Professor Hawking, but I took it as a compliment, because Professor Stephen Hawking is probably the cleverest man who ever lived. It was a bit silly, though, because all I did was work out how long it would take to clear our allotment. It wasn’t difficult. Like I told him, he just isn’t very good at maths.

 

January 27th

We did a lot more digging this morning. It’s starting to look quite good, though it will be better when we can put some plants in. We saw Mr di Lucca there today, and it turns out that he and Budgie have an allotment at Lovers Lane too, which sounds quite funny, but it’s nice, too. He gave us some carpet to put on the ground to stop more weeds growing. It looks strange to have carpet outside, but I can see the benefit.

Mr di Lucca told us about Mr Medcalf, and I don’t think he is very popular. He’s a policeman, but he isn’t very nice.Mum always said that the police are our friends, but I don't want to be friends with Robbie. He offered to dig our plot with his rotavator last week, but Auntie Serena told him it would actually just make more weeds grow. He used it today even though she told him what a bad idea it was, and he couldn’t control it properly. He dug up all the things he had planted earlier today, which isn’t very efficient. I'm glad Auntie Serena didn’t let him dig our plot. She laughed when he dug up his cabbages, which wasn’t very kind. It was quite funny, though.

 

February 8th

The cabbage plants Mr di Lucca gave us are coming on quite well. Robbie the Bobby (that’s what Mr di Lucca calls him) put some more cabbages in after he accidentally dug them up, but he had to go and buy them from a garden centre. He was cutting the grass around his plot this morning - which Tanni says is too early in the year - but he didn’t use a lawnmower. He used a thing that looked like a cross between a vacuum cleaner and a hedge trimmer. I looked it up on a tool hire site later and it’s called a power scythe, though it doesn’t look like a scythe at all. He definitely didn’t look like Poldark using it, anyway. I think it was a bit more powerful than he realised, and he went over the edge of the path, right into his cabbages again. He was ever so cross about it, which was silly, because it was his own fault.

Tanni was ever so rude about him - she called him a twit, except it rhymed with cat. I thought Auntie Serena would tell her off, but she just laughed.

 

February 21st

Celia and I have been sowing seeds in the greenhouse today. I like working in there because it’s quite warm and dry, and Auntie Serena says I can be in charge of it. The greenhouse is on the edge of our allotment so we can see plot 17 looking one way, and plot 18 looking the other way. Robbie the Bobby was sorting his seeds out as well, though he hasn’t got a greenhouse. He was sowing them in pots and seed trays, and he was really careful about sieving the potting compost over the top so the seeds are only very lightly covered. I think he was going to put them in cold frames, which are like little greenhouses.

I wrote “he was going to put them in cold frames,” because he didn’t get that far. After he’d sowed his seeds, he was trying to tidy his plot up a bit, though it looked alright to me. There are still lots of fallen leaves around, and Tanni says we should collect them to make leaf mould (which doesn’t sound very nice, but it’s good for the plants), but I don’t think Robbie knows that. He was using a leaf blower to get rid of them, but he didn’t think to put his seed trays in the cold frames first, and he managed to blow the compost and probably most of the seeds all over the place.

Auntie Serena called him a twit-cat again, and then they made up a scoring system for all his mistakes with gardening tools which is rude, but quite funny. Auntie Serena says the two often go together - but not always. The scoring is quite simple, really. There is a maximum of ten points in each of the following categories:

  1. How unsuitable the gadget is
  2. How inappropriate the task is
  3. Artistic presentation (which I think means how silly he looks)



I checked with Auntie Serena and she says it’s all right if I write the word down, because twit-cat looks silly. She says she doesn’t think anyone will read my notes without asking so it won’t offend anyone. They combine the scores for the three categories to provide the final Twat Factor (I don’t like writing it very much, so I’m going to put “TF” from now on). For the leaf blower incident, they scored him:

TF: 3/8/7 = 18

 

March 17th

Auntie Serena has bought a new strimmer to manage the grass around our allotment, and to try and keep the bit next to the hedge clear. I think it’s quite a good one, and appropriate for the level of use it will receive, i.e., it’s designed for medium weight use, not just grass, but also it isn’t an industrial model. She went to use it for the first time today but couldn't work out how to start it properly because she hadn’t read the instructions or taken them with her to the allotment. Luckily for her, the person who has got plot number 13 was there and knew that there would be some screws to remove before it could be used. The person at number 13 is called Bernie, and is a woman, though Bernie is usually short for Bernard. Auntie Serena says the strimmer is very good, but that Bernie isn’t, as she didn’t have to wait very long for her allotment so must have cheated. I don’t know how you would cheat to get an allotment.

I have decided to score Auntie Serena on her use of the strimmer, as she went about it in a silly way by not reading the instructions.

TF: 0/0/8 = 8

 

March 30th

I don’t know what the opposite of TF is, but I would score our neighbour Bernie very highly on it. She saw me testing the pH of the soil this morning and asked me about it, and she was very interested. I tested hers for her, too, and she made a note of it and is going to get her own pH testing kit. She explained some of the chemistry to me in a way that made more sense to me than the booklet that came with the kit. I asked her how she knew so much about it and she told me that she’s a doctor too, like Auntie Serena, only she was an Army doctor until she got injured. I don’t understand why Auntie Serena doesn’t like her, because they’ve got lots in common, and I don’t think Bernie cheated to get her allotment. There’s not much point telling Auntie Serena she’s wrong, though, as she doesn’t usually believe you.

 

April 4th

I was putting my pH testing kit away when Robbie came down the path carrying a big stack of plant pots to put the in the bin (I think they were the ones he blew over a couple of weeks ago: he sowed some more seeds in them, but he watered them using a hosepipe instead of a watering can, and he had the water pressure too high so all the compost washed away). Because he was carrying so many, he couldn’t see where he was going, and he tripped over my backpack. It wasn’t even on the pathway; he had wandered onto our allotment and I had to rake his big footprints away afterwards.

Anyway, he fell over because he caught his foot in the strap of my bag, and dropped all his pots everywhere. He was really angry with me, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, and even offered to help him pick up the pots and take them to the recycling bin (he was just going to throw them away). I don’t like to generalise, but I find neurotypical people very illogical sometimes. He said some things that were quite mean, but nothing I haven’t heard before - I don't think policemen are very imaginative, which makes sense because they have to deal with facts. He called me Rain Man, from the film with Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise, but I explained that it was a depiction of someone with a different sort of autism to mine. Then he said that if they were going to insist on care in the community, Celia and I should at least have a carer with us. I tried to explain to him that just because I’ve got Aspergers, it doesn’t mean I need to have a carer, but he didn’t listen to me.

He listened to Bernie, though. When she heard him shouting at me she came out of her shed quicker than I’ve ever seen her move before, though she must have trained to move very fast when she was in the army. She used her garden fork a bit like a crutch: I would like to ask her if her injuries still bother her, but it wasn’t the right moment to ask her, because she was talking quite loudly to Robbie. She didn't need to shout, because she used the sort of voice that people use when they are in charge, and you have to listen to them. I think that might be an army thing, too. She used lots of words I don’t like to say or write down: I had heard them all before, but not in the combinations she used. I think army doctors must have more imagination than policemen. I had to explain some of them to Celia afterwards which was a bit embarrassing.

Robbie looked really scared of Bernie, and she said if he wanted to take on someone with a disability, did he want a pop at her? He said he didn’t, which was good, because men shouldn’t hit women, but also because I’m pretty sure she would have beaten him quite easily. She made him apologise to me and Celia, and promise that he wouldn’t give us any more trouble. He offered to let me use his rotavator which I think was meant to be a treat, but everyone knows they just help the weeds multiply if you don’t take the roots out. He keeps using it, though, and he keeps getting more weeds. He’s not very clever about that sort of thing.

Bernie came and made sure we were all right afterwards, which was very kind of her. I felt OK, but I always get a bit agitated when someone raises their voice like Robbie did, and he wouldn’t stop when I explained things to him, so I was a bit twitchy (which is what Auntie Serena calls it). Bernie was very calm though, and not at all cross with us.

I really like Bernie.

 

April 9th

I didn’t go to the allotment today but Auntie Serena told me about Robbie using a hedge trimmer to cut his raspberry canes.They scored him with TF: 9/3/7 = 19, but I think it should be higher because he cut all his canes down to the ground, and I have checked and they are summer fruiting raspberries, so he should have left last year’s canes, because that’s where the fruit comes from. He won’t have any raspberries at all this year now, so I have adjusted his score.

TF: 9/10/7 = 26.

 

April 18th

Auntie Serena has made friends with Bernie now, which I'm really pleased about. They get on really well, which I thought they would - Auntie Serena could save herself a lot of trouble if she would listen to other people a bit better, but Bernie says the leopard doesn’t change its spots. I thought she meant because Auntie Serena wears a lot of leopard print, but she explained that it just means it’s hard for people to change.

Bernie has asked me if I would type something up for her. She’s been writing a sort of journal about he life in the army and since she got blown up and had to come back to England, because her therapist thought it might help her make sense of things. She can’t use her left hand very well yet, so typing is difficult for her, and I’m going to start typing it tonight. It’s very long, but I don’t mind. It will be good typing practice, and I like being able to help Bernie out.

 

April 27th

It hasn’t been a good day today at all. I finished typing up Bernie’s journal last night and I emailed her the document, but I wanted to give her a printed copy as well so I went to Lovers Lane this morning to give it to her. She was having a bad day with the pain in her back so she was having one of her marijuana cigarettes, which helps her manage it. Auntie Serena came down to see here, because she had another little falling out with Bernie the other day, and she wanted to apologise - again. She’s always having to apologise to Bernie, and I don’t like it. Bernie’s my friend, and Auntie Serena is my Auntie, and I wish they could just be friends too, all the time. Auntie Serena was so angry when she found out that Bernie was smoking marijuana, and said some silly things about Bernie being a bad influence on me and Celia, which she isn’t. She kept shouting at Bernie, and I got all upset and had to go home and be on my own for quite a long time.

When Auntie Serena got home I asked her why she gets so cross with Bernie, and she said that she gets frustrated because Bernie doesn’t make an effort, so I did something I probably shouldn’t have done. I printed another copy of _Leaving It All Behind_ , which is what Bernie’s called her story, and told her to read it. She’s been reading it all afternoon and evening and has drunk lots of coffee and wine which I hope will cancel each other out.

I hope Bernie isn't cross with me for letting Auntie Serena read it. I really like Bernie.

 

May 7th 

Auntie Serena seems very sorry about the way she treated Bernie, and that Bernie has left the allotments at Lovers Lane, but she hasn’t tried to get in touch with her, which I don’t understand. She has been going to some special classes on Wednesdays that she says are helping her not to be so cross all the time, and she does seem to be less snappy, which I’m glad about.

I asked Bernie if she would like me to tell Auntie Serena to phone her, but she said that Auntie Serena would ask if she wanted to keep in touch, and it was probably better to give her some space. Bernie seems really sad about it all because I think she really likes Auntie Serena. I think they should just talk to each other, but I don’t want to upset them again, so I think I’d better let them sort it out for themselves.

June 6th

We’ve been really busy at the allotment since Auntie Serena went to Kiev. It’s partly because there are only three of us now, but also because lots of things are almost ready to pick, and Tanni says that it will keep on like that for several months now. I’m sad for Auntie Serena that she’s missing the first beans and the tomatoes that I’ve grown in the greenhouse. Bernie says that her new allotment is nice, but she misses us, and she’s sorry that she’s not here to pick the things that she grew on plot 13.

I have suggested to her that she should apply for the locum job on Auntie Serena’s ward, which is Raf’s ward at the moment - except he has been asked to work on Keller until Mr Levy is feeling better. They haven’t advertised it outside Holby City, but I know it’s OK to tell her about the job, because Auntie Serena told me about the porters job - so it’s not nepotism. I checked when she said Bernie had got the allotment through nepotism, which she didn’t. But she knows that now.

 

June 19th

Robbie has been very busy at the allotment today but he nearly had a really bad accident, and Budgie got quite cross with him - he says he takes unnecessary risks. He - Robbie - has decided that the elder tree behind his plot is blocking out too much light, so he cut it down today. I think perhaps I should report him to Holby City Council, because I didn’t think he was allowed to do that, but I feel a bit funny reporting a policeman. He ought to have contacted the council himself to see if it was allowed, and then they would have got a tree surgeon to do it, which would have been much safer. He was using a chain saw, but I don’t think he’d done any research on how to cut a tree down, because he didn’t cut any of the branches off first, and also he didn’t calculate the angle correctly, and he nearly got crushed by the tree when it fell, and it fell right across his allotment.

Also, he didn’t shout “timber,” which everyone knows you should do.

TF: 2/10/10 = 22

 

June 20th

Robbie has cut up the tree trunk and stacked it all along the side of his allotment. It looks quite good, but I liked it better when it was a tree. He tried to get rid of the tree stump today using a stump grinder, but he wasn’t very good at controlling it, and it churned up the mud as well as making wood chips out of the stump, and he got covered with a mixture of mud and sawdust. Tanni said it looked as though he had been tarred and feathered. I did an image search of tarring and feathering and she was right.

TF: 2/10/10

 

June 21st

Robbie has finished trying to get rid of the tree now. He had a really powerful wood chipper to put all the logs through - he said he was going to sell it as mulch, which I don’t think he can do, because it wasn’t his tree to start with. He didn’t finish it in the end anyway, because he caught his shirt in it and only just managed to take it off before it dragged him in, which would have been really horrible. I’ve never seen Budgie so angry. Tanni didn’t even give him a TF score because it was such a near miss. She says he’ll blow himself up one of these days with his silly gadgets.

I asked Tanni if she thought he would ever score a perfect thirty. Tanni said he managed that the day he was born but I don't see how that could have met the criteria, because there weren’t any gadgets involved - unless he was born by forceps or caesarian, I suppose. I wish I hadn’t thought about the artistic presentation element now.

June 26th

Tanni says some people just aren’t capable of learning. She actually said some men, but I think that’s a bit sexist, because I’m sure there are some women who can’t learn, too. But I think she’s right about Robbie, because he keeps bringing bigger and bigger gadgets and tools to the allotment, and they keep going wrong for him. I hope he’s hiring them and not buying them, because otherwise he’s spending an awful lot of money on them. I also think if I ran the tool hire place I might not let him hire any more because he keeps breaking them or injuring himself.

He brought a ride on lawnmower today, which was quite good for the big strip of grass between the rows but much too wide for the paths between his allotment and the next to it. It went over the edge of his allotment and toppled over (I was going to say capsized but I think that’s just for boats), and he was trapped underneath it. He was very lucky that he wasn’t hurt, and also that Raf and Budgie were there, because Robbie couldn’t lift it and he wouldn't let me try.

Tanni wasn’t there today but I explained the scoring to Budgie and Raf. They thought it was a really good system and they said they would like to contribute to future rounds. Raf is the only person I know who actually says “tee hee” when he laughs.

TF: 9/5/9 = 23

 

July 14th

Auntie Serena is really happy to back at the allotment, and we’re all really happy to have her and Bernie back. I always said they had a lot in common and that they should just talk to each other. She also seems happier than I thought she would be to see Robbie again, but then again, he made a very funny mistake today and it wasn’t really dangerous, so everyone laughed and no-one got cross. Apart from Robbie, of course.

It’s been very dry for the last three weeks, and we have been down at the allotment every day to water everything. Robbie hasn't been there very often and his plot was looking very dry. He has managed to grow some courgettes, and they need lots of watering, which they haven’t had, so they look a bit withered and wrinkly, ~~like a~~ and they don’t look very appetising.

He brought a long hosepipe onto the allotment, which I thought was a bit odd, because you’re not allowed to use a hose from the standpipe, and it would be hard to use it from the trough. But he was using the standpipe after all. You’d think a policeman would be better at keeping the rules and regulations, really. We all thought he was going to water his allotment, but he started scrubbing his shed instead, which didn’t seem like the right priority to me. He had a pressure washer that was attached to the hosepipe, and he was setting it up so he could wash his shed with it.

Mikey Fletcher says he thought Robbie didn’t realise the connector halfway along the hosepipe was set to “off,” and that he was only trying to help when he turned it to the “on” position. Robbie was looking right down the nozzle when the water came through, and it hit him right in the face. He dropped the nozzle and it sort of got away from him, and he had to chase it all over the allotment: it was twisting and turning from the high water pressure like an angry snake. By the time he managed to get it and turn it off, it had washed away his courgette plants. They weren't very healthy to start with, though, so perhaps it doesn't matter very much. It’s really nice to see Auntie Serena laughing again.

TF: 6/9/10 = 25

 

August 20th

It’s a shame Robbie hasn’t been more friendly, because we had a really good party at the allotment today. He was there working on his allotment, but he didn’t want to join in. That’s probably a good thing given that everyone was a little bit drunk, and some people did mention the TF, which I don’t think he’d like.

He was fed up because we were having a party, fed up because he thinks there are too many gay people on the allotment (which is silly, because gay people just are - there isn’t a ratio or a formula that says how many there should be in any one place at any one time), and he was fed up because Bernie was kissing Auntie Serena. I think he used the flamethrower partly to try and spoil our fun by making lots of smoke, but he made a lot more smoke than he meant to, because he set fire to the weeds, to his shed, and to the fuel containers inside, and it blew up like something from a film. His trousers were a little bit on fire, so I helped him with that. A watering can is a gadget that can’t really go wrong.

After Budgie took him home, everyone was talking about all the silly things he’s done on the allotment with all his gadgets, and talking about his TF score, and Auntie Serena said, “Who would have thought that someone who looks so much like a potato can’t manage to grow even one?” Then Bernie looked at the shed, which was still smoking, and said, “I think he’s a baked potato now.”

I really like Bernie.

TF: 10/10/10 = 30


End file.
